Friday, May 30, 2014

Mattie Claire ~ 11 Months

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Dear Mattie,

Another month passed without you.  I have been dreading getting closer and closer to your one year birthday in heaven.  I just don't know how to handle it without you.  I want to celebrate you, but how do I celebrate the saddest day of our lives?  You should be here getting ready to devour your first cake.  Would you be like big brother Evan and look like you ate a smurf with icing all over you, or would you be more like big brother Brody and prefer to use a fork?  Maybe you would be like your cousin Emma and just stick your finger in your cake and cry with frustration because you don't know what to do with it?  Of course, I am sure your big brothers would be there to show you what to do.  I wonder if you would be a big eater these days like your brother Brody.
I wonder if you would be trying to take your first steps or if you would be a little slower like Brody. I wonder if you would have liked the water at the pool and splashed your big brothers.  As the months pass, I seem to have a growing list of things I wish I knew about you.  I guess that is going to be my new normal now.  I will still be wondering on the days you should have started school, graduated from high school, chosen a college, and the days when you would likely be dating and then getting married.  We are just never going to stop missing or loving you.

If you looked like Evan this month, you may look like this:

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And if you looked more like Brody, you would look like this:

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As tradition (because mommy is nothing if not traditional/OCD), here are some of the cute outfits you would likely have worn this month:

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I love this little preppy outfit!

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A sweet little nautical dress.  One of my favorite themes. 

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I love the delicate and sweet look of eyelet lace. 

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And a bathing suit would have been a necessity for our first trip to the pool this month. 
I don't know how we are going to "celebrate" your birthday next month, but I do know we are definitely going to need you to look after us as we struggle to get through this very hard time without you.  We love you, beautiful girl!


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  1. Love and Prayers during this time! I know the 16th of each month is horrible for us and our loss on the day (almost two years ago now). You show such strength in being able to write such wonderful letters and wishes for your sweet girl!!! *hugs*

  2. My heart aches for you. I love reading your beautiful post to your sweet Mattie. Praying for you and your hubby. The firsts are tougher it seems. Praying you feel God's and Mattie's presence with you. Hugs sweet friend

  3. Hugs and prayers my sweet friend. I love your letters to your sweet girl. You always pick out the cutest clothes for her.

  4. I'm soooo sorry you have to deal with this. Your poor sweet little girl! At least God is watching over her (and you guys as well!)

  5. When I used to be a secretary at the funeral home, I would have a tough time of it during the few times that we would have babies or children who had passed. I would make it through the day, and then cry all the way home each night.
    Thinking about you dear.

  6. You know how much I wish Mattie could be here on earth with you. It is so unfair that she isn't. Thank you for sharing these sweet letters with us.

  7. Oh how my heart aches for all of you, being without Mattie as we approach what should be her first birthday. I think that you don't need to have a plan for how you will commemorate the day. I think it will be something that you figure out as time passes and it will always be changing and evolving.


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