Monday, September 16, 2013

Life Right Now


I get asked a lot how I am doing.  I don’t know how people expect me to answer.  Sometimes, I feel guilty with the customary response of “fine,” but I feel like if I say more than that, I will break down.  I feel guilty because most of the time I am happy, and I wonder if that is okay.  But how can I not be happy when I have a wonderful husband and two amazing little boys who are always making me smile and laugh.  Life has not slowed down a bit since June.  Now this summer of our lives is over, and we must move forward into a new season.  I know that it is going to be fun, but I still feel guilty.  We will pick out and carve pumpkins, play in leaves, dress in costumes, go on hayrides, eat Thanksgiving feasts, pick out and decorate a tree for Christmas, visit Santa and tell him what we want for Christmas this year, and awake on Christmas morning with joy on our faces.  Of course, she’ll be remembered through all of this, and we will do our best to include her in our memory making, but I still feel guilty.  It’s like we are moving on without her, and yes, I guess we are.  That fact does not make me a happy mommy.  It is like every day that passes is a day our little girl has missed out on sharing with us.  I am very sad about that, and I do not ever want to forget how much more wonderful our lives would be with her in it.  This is just a sadness that I never thought I would have to live with.  In my worst fears, I thought there was just no way I could do so, but somehow, I guess I am.  I just want Mattie to know that she has not been forgotten and that she is still a part of us!     


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12 comments:

  1. I think of you often and am still sending love and prayers. I think "how are you doing is a terrible question". Like you said there is no good answer. I think people ask as their way of saying they are thinking about you. My advice have a few preped answers like. "Doing my best. Thank you for asking" or "As well as possible. Than you for asking". Making good happy memories is an amazing gift for your boys and the best way to honor her memory. So hard, hang in there, you are amazing.

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  2. Thank you, Megan! That is a good idea. How are you all and the baby doing?

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  3. We are doing well. Adjusting to life as a family of 4. Scott lost his job in May so he has been on a job hunt. We are looking in AZ and back east. Maybe we will be neighbors!

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    1. Awe, that could be pretty awesome...especially if we convince Natalie to move with you! :-) Prayers he'll find the perfect job!

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  4. I know this sounds crazy but I stop to think about Mattie in some form or another just about every day. And wondering how you, Eddie, Evan and Brody are doing.

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    1. Thank you, Valerie! Give Cece lots of kisses for Mattie! :-)

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  5. I think it makes total sense that you have moments (and days) of happiness Sherry. You still have two sweet boys and a loving husband. But Mattie won't be forgotten. Don't feel guilty about enjoying life, it's not like you have forgotten her. Love and hugs to you sweet friend.

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    1. Thank you, friend! I guess I just feel like I haven't had a choice, but I guess that is a good thing because I really wouldn't want it any other way. I know I need to keep living and enjoying life with the boys. Love you too!

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  6. I can imagine that is a hard question to answer. But you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Sherry - you all deserve every bit of that happiness! I think you do a great job of carrying Mattie's memories in all that you do. I'm praying for you friend!!

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    1. Thank you, sweet friend! We are definitely trying to keep her memory alive.

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  7. I agree with what everybody here has said. You cannot feel guilty for enjoying life and making happy, sweet memories with the boys. The alternative is that you stay home, be miserable and miss out on life with Evan and Brody. That's not to say that you don't have every right to feel sad and angry, because I think that is normal and healthy as well, but you have to find the balance that will allow you to move forward.

    Ugh. Did any of that make sense?

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    1. Perfect sense! Something told me you'd know the right thing to say...maybe because we are so connected, twin. :-)

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